The Present Of Being Present
Who thought this was a good idea?
Many years ago, I was attending a workshop on how to create and deliver your own personal development workshops. One of our tasks was to sing a song (only background music allowed) on stage in front of the 100 other participants. Oh, and you had to dress in a way that made you feel uncomfortable. Not like itchy uncomfortable but emotionally uncomfortable. I didn’t read the task properly when it was sent to us weeks before and I prepared the wrong thing. When I got there, I had no music and had to pick a song from my head that I remembered the words to, again without music. Talk about raising the bar on discomfort.
Of course, there was no ripping the band-aid off quickly from me. I was scheduled near the end of the night, so I had to sit with this all day and well into the evening. As the time got closer, the thoughts ramped up “am I going to remember the words? Am I going to choke? What if people don’t like my performance? What if I make a fool of myself? What if…” you get the idea. I hadn’t been up on a stage since I was in elementary school, and it sucked even back then. About an hour before it was my turn, my stress level went through the roof and my thoughts went into overdrive. It was exhausting. 20 minutes before it was my turn I got to a point where I realized that there was no backing out of it. There was no way anyone was going to let me get out of it. 10 minutes to go I began to make peace with it. “It’s going to go how it’s going to go” is what I started repeating to myself. A few minutes later a calm came over me. Until they called my name. I was up next. I stood beside the stage waiting. My mind had given up all the conversations as it was way too late to change anything. I made peace with my fate and now just wanted to get it done. My body was filled with all of the nervous energy. I couldn’t stand still. It was trying to find an outlet. I was moving back and forth, and I couldn’t stop. The staff was telling me to relax and take a breath. It was funny because I distinctly remember feeling mentally calm, but my body couldn’t contain the build-up of stress energy I had been pumping into it all day. The other person finished, and everyone was cheering (they cheered wildly for everyone). It was my turn.
I said “screw it” got up there with no music, looked at everyone and started the only song I could remember the words to. An old hip hop song from the 80’s. I started in “ladi dadi we like to party…” no one there knew the song, and everyone just stared. I kept going. I was now on autopilot. All the paralyzing thoughts were a distant memory. I remembered all the words and got lost in the moment. At some point I was really embodying a rock star vibe and even ripped off my shirt. I finished and stood at the edge of the stage to receive my applause (as we were mandated to do) feeling spent and unsure of what was going on. It was all wildly uncomfortable as this isn’t anywhere close to my comfort zone. However, in the moments up on stage I gave up all of that and just went with it. I chose to give up all my B.S. thoughts and just be present. I ended up having a great time and such a special experience.
Most interestingly to me was later that night and the next morning chatting with different people, several commented that they felt I didn’t push myself and go outside of my comfort zone. If they only knew! What that told me was that I exuded a level of confidence that made them think that this was ‘old hat’ to me. I was only able to do this because I gave up all the self-talk assumptions that my mind was feeding me.
From the time you get up in the morning to the time you go to bed at night you are spending most of your day thinking about what may happen or what did happen. You base all your decisions on things that happened in the past (as you believe it’s your only reference point for decision making). Based on these things you are spending the vast majority (if not all) your day living in the past or the future. Leading up to my performance, I was living in an assumed future moment that was based on things I had learned about being the centre of attention in a large group of people.
The funny thing is the past is gone and the future hasn’t happened yet. Your experience of life is from a place that doesn’t exist. The only thing you have is the present moment (the generous present moment as Joe Dispenza puts it) you are experiencing and that is the place you spend the least amount of time. When you do say “screw it”, put all your mental chatter aside and just be in the present moment amazing things happen. Your experience of life changes as you’ve taken off your ‘past/future glasses’ and see what is really in front of you. Time moves more slowly as if it’s letting you to squeeze more out of the magical moment. Your connection to people and things around you skyrockets as your judgments are put aside and you see the truth and beauty of what/who is actually there.
It doesn’t matter where you are in life, working towards spending more time in this present moment is not only a gift to you but a gift to the people around you. You will show up differently to them in those moments giving them a unique glimpse into who you truly are (ooh vulnerability alert) and what is possible for them. A level of contentment unachievable from the past or the future.
‘til next week!
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Wow, Stuart! You describe this so well—the different AGONIZING levels of torture you went through yet what people saw was that “screw it” moment. I’ve been told I look calm when internally I was doing so much to manage my, well, terror! So many thoughts are going through my head as I’ve experienced the same thing-thanks for sharing this so well!
Now I am so different as I am ok with public speaking after years of what I’d call exposure therapy. I remember getting through a presentation in that way in university, but afterwards there were questions. By then my mind was blank and I was DONE. Embarrassingly, I sat there for who knows long saying “shit, shit, shit, shit” ALOUD. And it was making repeated performances for school groups and being PRESENT in them that cured me of an intense fear of speaking—saying ANYTHING—in front of others.
I work with some autistic writers and one woman described something like what you’ve described here as what she went through everyday to survive a corporate job and mask her autism. She’d go home and collapse, only to have to do it the next day. Her roommate made sure she ate but when that roommate left, she saw she could not do it and had to change her life.
That description of the stages of anxiety is exceptional!! Thank you!